Workhate Inc. Home of Captain Broadband

‘Why the hell do we have so many fat people this century?’ I asked myself just now as if I was starting an article. It’s almost like something occurred in the past two hundred years or so which cultivated an environment for fat people.

‘You wonder why there are fat people?’ another part of me asked in a schizophrenic deluge. ‘I wonder why there are so many fat people fixing books known as diets. Also, because I am you, I too wonder why there are fat people.’

‘Gasp, perhaps it is something that has occurred in these last two centuries that has cultivated an environment for fat people to grow.’

‘Gasp, maybe I am right.’

‘Yes. Let’s make money from it with diet fads!’

‘Yes.’

‘I love you.’

‘…I do too.’

So obesity is rising. Healthy numbers are getting low. According to all sources, the fat has got to go. But for the next ten years, let’s create a bunch of fads. No! For the first time in history, let’s filter out all that crap!

We’ve had to suffer for fat loss. Bad enough the people of the earth are getting fat and blaming others, but there might actually be a reason for it for a change. Sweets that make our tongues tingle. Salted goods which make us thirsty. Drinks that make me pee a lot.

And then we can’t see our own genitals, or getting off the couch is harder or we all just plain suck and can’t be bothered.

People get fat and then they decide they want it gone. Screw prevention being better than cure, we have to deal with the results the fast food corporations threw at us the same time they advertised their extra value meals and cakes with extra lard in them. Oh how can we possibly shift all this weight the man has stuck onto us like playdo?

Why? Just exercise and eat healthily right? Nooooooooooooooooooo? That’s not the way to do it? Are you telling me that there’s specific weight programs  you can go into with complicated point systems that tell you what is and isn’t okay to eat. Atkins diets that discuss your glyerlucomic levels and how not to eat all that extra fat butter with your scones. Why, these systems look a lot more complicated. They must be grounded in scientific fact…

*sigh*

Okay the Atkins diet is and reading up on it it is probably one of the best diet programs out there. But my problem here isn’t with the results of the diet fad, it’s the fact that the diet fad has had to come into existence in the first place. I know a lot of people can attest to how they lost fifteen stone and now can fit into a paper bag and yes they were using an efficient method that had been thoroughly tested. Maybe they even developed some willpower as they lived on protein bars and water for three months. One thing they did not do was prevent the noThink. A shame really. Their heart was in the right place, even as all that built up cholesterol pumped through it.

We’ve allowed dieting systems to run amuck. People set up their own businesses that promotes a way of diet as a way of life. Sometimes the diet is nice, cheap and focused, but sometimes with expensive milkshakes and weekly meetings and point systems that look designed to allow just one slip up every so often. And all the times we’ve forgotten that one clear rule to prevent a fat belly, the best way to lose weight, the most efficient way to six pack abs.

Eat healthy and exercise.

I know what you’re probably thinking. No we haven’t. That’s the foundation of every dieting plan out there. But if this was the case we wouldn’t need the Atkins diet telling us to hold back on the carbohydrates or a fifty page Weightwatchers guide which says eat this to score fifty points of…something; fat I guess. We wouldn’t need motivational meetings charged at ten pounds a session.

If we knew this. Truly knew it, the fat people wouldn’t be among us.

So what’s the problem? Well it lies in the heart of the Atkins diet; in the disagreement as to what causes a human being to grow fat out of his belly. Official ministry scientists and the like for years were telling us about the food pyramids and how to only eat from certain areas rarely. It was logical and founded in scientific evidence and wasn’t working. Unfortunately why it wasn’t working was hard to determine, whether it was because the theory of ‘all fats are bad’ was incorrect altogether or because television advertising for KFC was much more effective than government made documents that got handed out to our schools.

Then came along Atkins, who argued that the fat wasn’t actually the problem. It was the carbohydrates, also known as Mr. Starch and Mr. Sugar, that gay couple down the road who are always so sweet and hang round the town and they just saturate themselves into the atmosphere of the town and before you know it, bam, they’re everywhere and making Mr. fat look bad. Badly concocted and potentially controversial metaphors aside, Atkins argued that it was because the body was too busy burning off the sugars we kept consuming in our mars bars and our muffins and the children we accidentally ran over in the street and didn’t want to ruin my life so I just took him home but I had to get rid of him and so I just started eating and oh god he was so fat and it took me several days that we just never got round to burning the fat off

Then came the milkshake diets (no wait, they came first), which essentially translated into a form of starvation diet with nutrients shoved in. These gave an impression that they were working around the same time people started losing muscle mass and retentive water. Then billions more fads came out and got more pricey, but that was okay because they had different flavour milkshakes.

And all the while we get no real confirmation as to what causes fat to build up. Hundreds of contradictory studies, saying one way is better than another, yet everything also seemed effective one way or another. You could just argue that the best method is to start up a diet program and stick with it. You’ll lose some weight surely.

Determination turns to stubbornness.

So what am I suggesting to you instead, right now, in a manner full of salesmen like wit but with the promise of being completely free but in such a way that heavily hints there must be a catch, but I absolutely insist there isn’t and I have such a dazzling internet smile up to the point where it looks like I’m talking to you directly…Chloe? What revolutionary new dieting fad have I come up with? I’d like to think it’s different and beats all those other dieting fads in the same way that every marketing promoter promotes with lots of anecdotal evidence and empty promises and photographs of people promoting their business happily that go on for about five pages before the Paypal button show up. I’d like to think it’s different, not because it uses some ingenious new technology or takes advantage of some bizarre little gene or organ in the body that just so happens to be the key to flush all that fat off as if it were something to be oozed out of you like golden syrup but because it is something that has worked for thousands of years and on every animal on the whole planet.

Ready? Here’s what you do in order to lose weight.

Just exercise and eat healthily.

…

Oh wow. I am amazing. How did i figure out something so simple? I am a genious.

Right?

…

How we forgot this is amazing, so I’m gonna gimmick it right here for you (just as soon as you click on the pay me money button).

From now on, until you’ve decided you’ve reached a level of weight you’re happy with, ask yourself the following question every time you make the choice to buy/eat a piece of food or drink.

‘Would a caveman have been able to eat it?’

That’s it. Nice and simple. Again one of those things I could have just put right at the beginning and everyone should have got it straight away. Hell I did put that right at the top, but I like to type a lot and make a story in such a way that makes it look like I got all the magical answers that you don’t and it fuels my fragile little ego all that bit extra even as I type in a general rambley incoherent way.

If there’s one thing we can probably say about caveman, it’s that they weren’t fat. Obvious. And we can expand on this. We can also say it about every wild animal out there on the whole damn planet. Somehow we forgot to look at the other animals for clues. Even worse, we knew the answer but just decided that it wasn’t worth considering because there’s a billion other answers out there.

And most of all we were stubborn. This ‘Eat healthy and exercise regularly’ option was the simple answer. The one right at the top. The answer we all knew. Yet we weren’t getting it right. In fact, loads of us were getting it completely and utterly wrong. So we decided, without directly stating it, we must have been wrong. And so we started trying to find other answers out that could explains things in a way so rooted in scientific experimentation that we could just shrug our shoulders and claim not to understand it but if we followed the method exactly it would work brilliantly and we’d look like all those people in the before and after clips. And if we didn’t follow the method to the letter, that’s why it wasn’t working, because it was too complicated and scientific.

Whiners.

Here’s some observational science for yer. Excess fat exists because we’re domesticated, because our foods are processed. The reason I know the No Fat Caveman diet works without testing it is because the observational study has been going on for millennia! And all we have to do to prevent it is to stop eating the none natural foods.

Cakes. Sweets. Biscuits. Sauces. Breads. Blah blah blah. All food that gets processed somewhere along the line are usually the main causes for being fat. And most of the fads agree that some fat is necessary and helpful to you losing fat. What type of fats? Diary fats. The ones from milk, cheese and animal meat. All the natural ones. Okay cheese wasn’t around in caveman times but I hope you’re beginning to get my point now.

The world got stupid with the invention of McDonalds. We let our taste buds dictate our lifestyles. But the most effective answer is in the past. Stick to what a caveman would eat and you’ll only be as fast as the fattest caveman ever was, which probably wasn’t that fat at all.

I’d like to think I can leave you with that and move on hoping you’ll be smart about it the next time a guy asks you for fifty quid for Packs 1 and 2 of the new FattaBurn diet but I suppose I should mention a few things that will help out here, plus I’d like to prevent a few stupidities from occurring.

Vegetarians

Fat vegetarians? Some may find that impossible, but it happens very easily because meat actually has little effect on its own towards fat intake. If you are a vegetarian and looking to lose weight and have randomly found my site whilst undoubtedly drunk and getting drunker you may be worried about a caveman diet because it makes you think of meat. Whilst personally I think that all vegetarians are unnatural hybrids of decadence that put the rest of our great society to shame by not chowing down on a piece of lamb’s shank I guess I shouldn’t outcast you entirely from this. Slight changes have to be made to the Caveman diet to accommodate you. Stuff like tofu should be eaten instead of meat. Veggieburgers and beans too are good replacements. Cheese becomes more allowable.

Total cut off

But I like sweets? That’s fair enough. What I’m essentially asking here is a cut off of the progress we’ve made in our culinary delights. The diet’s a devolutionary step back to what used to work and I can deal with people not only not wanting to cut off from this, but actually being unable to. Diets do fail, even the most obvious and simple one that I give you here. And it’s not totally necessary to cut off your sweets and cakes completely. But you will need to reduce them. Hell I’m being too kind here really, so if you’re totally obese and want this to change, you need to ask the question with everything you eat and not make exceptions to the rule. If you’re only a little overweight, you can probably get away with it on occasion. I’d be even more of a hypocrite than usual if I didn’t confess to the white chocolate bar I consumed earlier today but know that if your aim is weight loss, what I provide here is a totally free, cost effective way of losing weight in terms of fat percentage and doing it naturally so as to prevent any major weight rebound.

Weight Rebound

That’s something I forgot to mention. Weight rebound. Most diets don’t tell you of this (ooh, I’m making this sound like a secret between you and me; if I were selling this product, you’d totally be ready to buy it now) but the weight you take off with them will go back on usually if you let off the diet even just a little bit. The Caveman diet happens slowly and naturally so the weight will only jump back on if you stop following the one simple rule.

Not allowed to invent

Lord knows I shouldn’t deny our chefs their creativity, but Caesar salad was not something made by caveman that often (although I guessed someone had to guess the right combination of crap to make cakes at some point in the past).

When I say ask yourself the caveman question, this doesn’t necessarily mean you should abandoned a plate of chicken and tomato pasta because the cavemen didn’t have such courses. Think it through and decide if the ingredients by themselves were readily available. Then be more careful and don’t start to decide that sugar is a natural ingredient and so is wheat and therefore cake is okay. In your recipes stick to your natural occurring meats, fruits and vegetables and avoid stuff that starts getting made around the grinding of wheat procedure.

A quick word on measurements.

You wanna know your progress? The best thing to do is ignore your actual weight and your BMI and focus solely on your fat percentage. You usually have to look for machines that tell you this but you can usually get them at supermarkets and leisure centres/gyms. They require you to hold two bars that check your pulse and some other magic to get a percentage reading. BMI is sort of effective and shows your healthiest weight but suffers big time from not being able to distinguish the difference between muscle and fat. You got a lot of bodybuilders screaming at WiFits for this reason alone.

So now I’ve hooked you right? You want to know how to get in on this Revolutionary (or devolutionary) way of losing fat. You’ll want to know just how you can learn the tricks of the caveman and how they followed this one simple rule to a flat belly (yes, that is intentional). Well you can do it today, right now in fact. Once you’re part of the program you’ll be equipped to follow the caveman diet and soon have many beautiful woman literally drooling over your caveman’s Adonis body until you actually drown from their saliva. And to get in on this special offer that ends today… and then continues tomorrow and from then on afterwards, all you have to do is purchase…

Absolutely nothing.

I mean, you can donate to me. Lord knows I’ve just slapped you in the face and got you thinking properly again, and giving me five of whatever currency you feel like is much better than some of the hundred you would have spent on fad programs.

But seriously, you don’t have to buy anything here. You’ll actually save a lot because the more natural foods are usually a lot cheaper. A bunch of bananas will last you a week and cost a lot less than the same amount of chocolates bars. Usually the less processed the more you’ll get at the same price.

All you have to do is keep at it and as long as you keep your supermarket shopping smart (or better yet, go to one of the smaller grocer’s stores) and you’ll be following the diet a lot better.

A final note, one I feel has become necessary the longer I’ve made this article and one that I can see making my own little rule all that more complicated as time go by, is a purely semantical one. The rule just says what a caveman could eat, but such words could be played around with, so let’s try to make a definitive rule without any obvious loopholes within it to finish off.

So here is the rule. Let’s make it bold.

Should you desire to lose weight in the form of fat, when purchasing or eating/drinking food and drink, ask yourself immediately ‘Would a caveman have been able to eat the individual components back in the prehistoric days he lived in without access to time travel with no consideration for geographical location?’ If the answer is ‘Yes’ you may have it. If the answer is ‘Yes, but they would have had to grown the items in questions on a farm?’ That’s fine too. Anything that gets more complicated than that, then no.

Keep it simple, stupid (said the moron who wrote three thousands words).

Or Subscribe (warning, may be considered a stupid move).

Or talk about it on the forum. (definitely a stupid move)

OR even go back to the archives!