Spidey gets Cockblocked!Another One More Day/Brand New Day rant from another neurotically obsessed/occasionally retarded fan
While party election broadcasts currently angst over the latest concepts of a hung parliament and I blink over the amazing fact that no one’s made the most obvious joke about how none of the three main leaders certainly aren’t hung (ho ho ho) a much more important question looms over our very souls. It is something that must be determined through an over the top geeky like manner. Possibly the most important question that is sure to be on the minds of every retarded Spidey fan in existence. Is Spiderman a virgin? I don’t know! He must have been at one point, like when he was a baby or something and he was the biggest geek ever when he was akidandnowaftertheevntsofonemoredy andbrandnewdaythatwreckdallformsofcontinuity everitissomethingthatisstupidlyimportant and must be determined…
RIGHT NOW!
*huff heh heh*
Let me put it to you straight.
A while ago, about two years or so, I’m not entirely sure I’m on the UK comics release so at the moment we’re halfway through the Secret Invasion and Dark Reign is nowhere near, the aftermath of Civil War hit a high point. Spiderman was revealed to the world as Peter Parker out of his own free will, Spidey then suffered angst and changed his mind, then Aunt May got shot in the life on the orders of the Kingpin to deliver a nice present and we finally got to see Spiderman face the toughest of all his nemesises’ (J Jonah Jameson). It went downhill and Parker was brought to the drifts of despair, exhausting all possible options until only one remained.
A deal with the Devil.
Or Mephisto to his immortal adversaries.
Mephisto didn’t want much. Certainly not Spidey’s immortal noble soul. No, what he wanted was much simpler and yet so much sweeter.
He wanted the marriage.
See? Like i just said. Marriage. He want.And he got it. Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson are no longer married in wedded bliss. In fact they’ve never been married. Everything’s been undone and they’re left with a bad argument that seems destined to separate them forever. From now on, he’ll live as if he had always been a bachelor and those long over the top wedding anxiety moments will have never happened.
That’s the FYI for everybody that doesn’t regularly read the comics.
So the effects of One More Day had an overwhelming reach on Spidey’s life. His aunt is brought back to full health. Pete and MJ are separated. The world doesn’t know his secret identity. In fact no one knows it (not even Wolverine I think, and certainly not Daredevil (who did know it before). Unforeseen side effects include Spidey’s involvement in the Civil War, which side he was on, what happened during the unmasking, how he joined the New Avengers, the unexplained reappearance of Harry Osborne and that Headliner question; has Pete ever gotten lucky? We know he had with Mary Jane. He even knocked her up at one point. But that’s gone and it seems that all that relieved sexual frustration has been brought boiling back.
The follow up question: Who would want to even consider touching that nerdy geek?
Lots of girls. Oh yes. Indeed. You forget, this is a comic book read by people with no lives. Cool people may be fans of Spidey, but they only ever watch the movies and have his poster on their wall. Any attempting to be popular freshman caught discussing the Clone Saga immediately loses his chance with any of the cheerleading team (and you are no exception). Therefore Spiderman is essentially just a long winded revenge fantasy made by those victimized at school. Always one step ahead of the bullies, but unable to ever forgive oneself or get the girl (even reality itself will warp to deny you).
But getting back to the point; which girls? Let’s check ‘em in turn and ask that fateful question. Have they ever got nasty with the spider?
Betty Brant
The first fool of the lot perhaps. Triple J’s secretary and occasional femme fatale depending on who’s writing her. Parker found the nerve along with his Spidey powers (and would never have done otherwise) to ask this one out a few times, but he never got anywhere past a few kisses. She soon went for Ned Leeds, who promptly got himself sliced up in the neck area. Since then she went for Flash Thompson.
Verdict: Despite steamey moments, and since the comic code authority existed in the time Peter had a chance with Betty, I’m gonna say nooooooooooooo. In truth, it’s hard to get any proof of any girl doing it with him besides MJ, but this whole article is more to insult the poor bastard more than anything else.
Liz Allen
The unattainable one. Vein, flaky, preferred musclebound jocks but occasionally swooned over the old Parker charm. They had a few chances together in the early comics but in the end she decided the best thing to do was get shacked up with the LSD addicted psychopath. Another one huh? He picked really stupid girls as a kid, didn’t he?
No, not the jock on the right. (Though maybe in some fanfics…)Verdict: Almost definitely not. Again can’t be 100% sure with this one but we had Comic Code authority back then which ripped out all romance scenes besides pecks on the cheek. By the time comics had moved on, she was with Harry (and is not anymore apparently, even though he’s back and stuff)
Mary Jane Watson
The girl herself. Introduced without face right at the start and apparently a hottie when finally allowed to have a nose. We know he did it with her eventually. But did they make the beast with two backs and ten legs at any point before the marriage? She was certainly a party girl and seemed to fool around with every man in existence, but Petey seemed to be off-limits as he was the nice guy and too good a good friendship to be ruined with amazing sex(yeah, I’ve had that). In the buildup to the wedding though…
Verdict: Before Marriage: I think not. She never fooled around with him all that much and I actually have the build up to the wedding in my collection and it contained no bedroom scenes. It seems Mary Jane actually held out during the summer of love.
Gwen Stacey
And never will!Oh this girl wasn’t as pure and holy as her post-life self seems to put out. This picture alone shows her skanky ways in their fullest. And the teasing. You could line up all the men in her life in two lines four feet apart facing each other, drop a plank of wood on their manhoods and eat off it easy! This girl did everyone, and I do mean everyone. Well… not quite.
Verdict: No. Simply enough. 100% definitely not. Though all the others are left a little blurry but otherwise presumed a ‘No’. With Gwen we actually have Peter’s confession on the matter.
And of course MJ’s response couldn’t be funnier.
Debra Whitnam
…
…
Moving right along…
So that’s a no, no, no and no. But there’s a final one One which has hounded readers for years with no definite answer.
Felicia Hardy
This throws a sudden gear in the works. Surely Spidey never got the kinky on with the most direct and honest member of his little harem. She was too obvious for that. Though they seemed to share some passion, the lack of lying in bed together scenes was always painfully obvious and there’s a little something wrong with the world having the Black Cat villainess lady being the guy’s first.
… if it wasn’t for the word ‘Lover’.
Now correct me if I’m wrong. Stop me if you’ve heard this before. But aren’t I right in thinking… that means you’ve made love?
Hhhmmm
With this in mind I scoured through the old collections, everything before the wedding, especially the black suit era. Well I didn’t really but I like to think I have a good memory and would take note of such scenes especially y’know, ‘cause of the loneliness.
But I didn’t find anything.
The closest seems to be when Pete accidentally webbed her… I mean when he grabbed her by the leg and… When he covered her in white sticky stuff. GAH! That scene when MJ ran out but his black suit caused him to shoot strand of web fluid and that made Cat thought that he wanted to stay. This is when it’s most implied.
But other than that. I got nothing.
Verdict: Ha, who am i kidding? I’m just foolin’ ya. The One More Day rule applies to her too. No knowing who Peter really is. No getting it kinky with the Cat.
Ha!
Final Verdict
As I said before; I don’t really care. I just wanted to mock the guy who no longer gets easy sex. I think the final answer is a resounding Noooooooooooooooooooo, followed by copious amounts of laughter.
But hey, try and prove me wrong. If you’ve got a single shot of Peter Parker not being a virgin before his marriage to MJ, send it me. Some kind of retardo hatePrize for the one who proves me wrong.
But do it on the forum
And then subscribe.
I’m afraid your winnings have
been revoked, Mr. Parker
LATER EDITS: This has all been made moot by Marvel Divas and Spidey getting his rocks off with the last girl. (technically we could still argue that Peter Parker is a virgin…)
Well that feels like a waste of time.
As does getting you to Subscribe.
And why would you want to talk about it on the forum after that?
You may as well just go back to the archives.
