1. They have beef jerky. and it’s popular there. I don’t mean like popular like Jesus popular or having two Swedish female identical twins fight over the right to bonk you before finally giving up and agreeing to share you popular, but popular enough so that it becomes an average part of the culture there. They see it in the shops like we see packs of Walkers. I see it occasionally in supermarkets hanging there oalong with the other chea tacky stuff that has no specific section like party poppers and hairclips. Whereabouts did it happen where we just didn’t have beef jerky and they did? Did they get it from another culture. One that isn’t British (were that even possible?)

2. What makes a club sandwich a club sandwich? What extra ingredient elevates it to the status of club, and why doesn’t this ingredient just get called by its name? Or does it mean a combination of ingredients, like turkey and lettuce, and if so, what part of the sandwich takes precedence in the title of the sandwich. You can have just a turkey club sandwich, but how does it become more important than the lettuce also contained within the bready confines.

3. Do they have Walkers crisps there? I don’t know the exact figures but I’m betting Walkers are the pre-dominant manufactures of chopped up potato slices garnished with whatever crap we can think of next in the UK. It would make sense that they had expanded to the Americas at some point. And if so, do they have Gary Linker doing the adverts for them. It wouldn’t have the same effect I don’t think. They’d be all like ‘who’s this guy and why is it hilarious to the Englander next to me that he made that other guy cry copious amounts of tears by crushing his hands in the packet of crisps.’

4. It’s well accepted that ‘over here’ they call it a pavement and ‘over there’ a sidewalk. But why? When did it reach a point where those that travelled from our holy lands to the wasteland of the heathens just stop and say ‘ well dosh tarnashun, I’ve just about of these here gollybaiting pavement talking. From now on, want we should call it something else , we sho’ all be right down with that, nigga, and we’ze be calling it a sidewalk now.’ Where did someone have that conversation? Did they think it just easier? Did people really give time to those sort of thought processes on the devil’s land?

5. The same thing but with soccer and football.

6. And why can their video recorders and Tivo’s and psychic thought plotters and whatnot be set up to record as the action on television starts, whereas for our terrestrial channels we have to wait until the programme has finished or at least an hour is past before we can start recording else it’ll record the program before that. For once it actually sounds better for the demonspawn of the west side of the Atlantic. They can record it as it happens, so they can do it spur of the moment just as they leave the house. I guess it gives us holy, lord abiding Britishmen the chance to start recording things we forgot were on until it had already started, but I can’t help but wonder when the decision was made to make this type of difference.

7. Smores…. What. The. Fuck? I guess I’ll have to try them some day.